I got out of the hospital on March 18. At first I was really afraid. I had been institutionalized having been in there for 3 weeks. I had everything taken care of for me. I was waited on hand and foot. If I wanted a glass of water, all I had to do was ring a bell and someone would come. I would ask and it was given. Every little desire that I could have wanted was there for the asking. It makes me think about life and this world. Whatever I ask for, it is given. To date, I have let my fears control me. I wouldn’t allow myself to truly want anything, even though I had everything that I wanted. It seems pretty bizarre when I look at it all but that is the truth. I was lying here just now, trying to go the sleep but I kept thinking about how much I had to go pee all the time. The metaphysical book says that that is a result of being scared pissless. I have seen the truth of this for awhile now but haven’t done anything about it. But, today, as I was lying here, the message I kept getting was that I was afraid to create. This is true. I have been afraid to create a life I love. This goes back to the having everything that I wanted but not really. When I look at it, I have had everything that I wanted but no matter what I had, I wanted something else. I was never happy with what I had, in any given moment. I would get something and then immediately turn around and start looking for something else. I wouldn’t saviour any of it. I haven’t savoured any of it. I’m not even sure what savouring something looks like. Oh, I can imagine now that I think about it but like I said I never thought about it. Is this what life is supposed to be like, to take in every moment as if savouring it. I think so. After all life is a gift and it ought to be savoured. One ought to be totally engulfed in every moment of every day, taking in all the fragrances, listening to all the sounds, tasting the air, looking around enjoying it all. God gave us these five senses to be used to savour and enjoy life. What a concept. 

How would life feel if I were to savour each moment? How would it look to savour every sight? What could I hear if I truly listened? What if I were to touch every surface I could? What different smells could I smell? How much would life slow down if I were to allow it? This kind of blowing my mind right now. I never have thought about savouring life. I’ve always just pushed and pushed and pushed. I’ve never taken the time to just stop and savour anything. Well, that’s not really true. I have allowed myself to savour food, really great tasting food but that’s about it. I’ve not savoured anything else. I have to try it. What about savouring this moment as I type? I can still type and allow my senses to feel around my environment. What do I hear? Of course, I hear the constant ringing that’s always going on in my head. I also hear Shelly talking in the distance on the phone. I hear a dog barking. The toilet just flushed. I heard a door creak. These are all sounds that I’ve heard every day but it seems as if I’m hearing them in a new way. I just sneezed and it pulled on my chest incision. What’s that feel like? There’s a little pain but that’s subsiding. There’s some pulling on the skin. It feels really weird. This all so strange. 

Right now, I’m wondering if I should get up and get something to eat. I think that is what my inner guidance is telling me to do. I can listen and do it, or not. Does it really make any difference? If life is just a series of experiences, does any of it really matter? I think not as long as I’m enjoying. The Course in Miracles talks about God’s only purpose is to Make happy. Does that mean nothing I do really matters as long as it makes me happy? I think so. I’m not rally sure what to do with that. Nothing I do really matters except happiness. That’s a whole topic in itself. For now, what about the savouring the moment. Could it be about savouring each moment to make happy? Let’s start with that, savouring.